THOUGHT EXPERIMENTS IN PUBS
HERTFORDSHIRE
FLIRTATION
1 FLIRTING AS AN ART FORM
On Monday morning, Zahra reads an article on Substack, here is an extract.
“In France, flirting is a way of life, an art form. It isn’t just a path to something else. Sometimes, it’s the whole point. In France, flirting isn’t always about seduction. It’s often just a way of speaking, a way of moving, sometimes even a form of politeness. You can be married, committed, entirely uninterested and still flirt a little over coffee. It’s not always about sex or a romantic relationship. Sometimes it’s just a flicker of charm, a reminder that connection still exists in the margins of the day.” (Clapp, 2025)
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER:
1. If flirting is not always about seduction, what else might it be about?
2. What do you think the author means when she says that in France ‘flirting is a way of life… an art form’?
What role does nationality play in flirting?
4. What role does sexuality play in flirting?
Is there anyone you would have liked to have flirted with more with in your past? What was holding you back?
Is there anyone in your life you would like to flirt more with now?
If you wanted to become good at flirting, what would you do?
‘You can be married, committed, entirely uninterested and still flirt a little over coffee.’
How do you feel about this sentiment? How have your life experiences formed your responses?
By: Sharda Dean, THOUGHT EXPERIMENTS IN PUBS Group Member & Host of TEiP HERTFORDSHIRE
Extract adapted from ‘The Art of the French Flirt’ by Pamela Clapp, 25 July 2025, Substack.
2 I CAN NEVER TELL WHEN SOMEONE IS FLIRTING WITH ME
George and Zahra are good friends. On Tuesday evening they are having a drink together when Zahra tells George about the article she read on Substack about flirting.
George says, “I don’t really see the point of flirting. You either like someone or you don’t. And if you do, you should make it clear.”
Zahra laughs, “But I wouldn’t want to live in a world without flirting. It’s got us where we are, after all, most of the animal kingdom has some sort of flirting!”
George says, “Really? I can never tell when someone’s flirting with me, so what’s the point?”
Zahra smiles, “It’s really not that difficult. They’ll smile at you, maybe hold your gaze a little longer than usual, lean in a little more. They might gently touch your arm, compliment you, or even tease you a little.”
George takes a sip of his drink, “To be honest, I don’t think men can get away with that stuff anymore.”
Zahra replies, “Well, you don’t have to do anything inappropriate, or that makes anyone feel uncomfortable. In a way maybe flirting helps people to gauge that correctly?”
George says, “But what’s the difference between flirting and just being good friends? You and I laugh together, but I don’t think we’re flirting.”
Zahra smiles, “I appreciate that it might be difficult to tell the difference, but that’s because flirting is subtle, and it’s meant to be subtle. After all, it’s a low stakes way of signalling interest. If it were obvious, you couldn’t laugh off a knock back so easily. This way, you flirt a little, and if the other person responds in kind, you know that you’re both feeling similarly, but no one is putting themselves on the line too much. And if it goes well, you can flirt a little more…”
George says, “Well, I don’t like playing games.”
Zahra replies, “It’s not about game playing. First, it’s about working out whether someone is interested and then once you’ve worked that out, it’s about fanning the flames of desire, prolonging anticipation and therefore making sex even better when it happens. Flirting makes sex… more sexy! I suppose also women don’t always feel sexual desire as quickly as men, we need a bit more context, a bit more romance or, well, flirting… to get us in the right mood.”
The next day, Zahra starts thinking about George’s comment that he can’t tell whether he’s being flirted with or not. She looks on the internet and finds a paragraph in an article from Psychology Today which says:
“Flirting is inherently ambiguous, so it’s understandable that people aren’t perfect at perceiving subtle signs of interest. One study observed 100 heterosexual strangers engaged in conversation and found that only 38 percent of participants accurately detected when someone was flirting with them.”
She sends the article to George, adding a message, “Apparently you’re not the only one who can’t tell when someone is flirting with them!”
She signs off with an emoji of someone blowing a kiss.
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER:
Do you think you can tell when someone is flirting with you? How?
In the study that Zahra sends to George, why do you think that “only 38 percent of participants accurately detected when someone was flirting with them”?
Do men and women flirt differently?
What are the differences between friendly behaviour and flirtatious behaviour?
Do you agree with George that, if you like someone, you should make it clear? Have you always done this? Why or why not?
Are there situations in your life where being good at flirting might have helped?
Zahra says, “I wouldn’t want to live in a world without flirting.” Do you agree or disagree? Why?
Do you think people flirt less that they used to? Why?
Has flirting has become more difficult in recent times? Are there different difficulties depending on gender?
If you flirted more, would you worry that your behaviour might be misconstrued?
How have texting and social media changed how we flirt or how frequently?
By: Sharda Dean, THOUGHT EXPERIMENTS IN PUBS Group Member & Host of TEiP HERTFORDSHIRE
Additional sources: Psychology today article - Flirting.
3 HOW TO UNLOCK YOUR FLIRTING SUPERPOWERS
A week later Zahra sends George a link to a TED talk by Francesca Hogi, called ‘How to Unlock your Flirting Superpower’. “I saw this and thought of you” Zahra texts.
George watches the TED talk. In it, Francesca Hogi argues that we should change our definition of flirting to, “Words and actions intended to make another person feel seen, special and acknowledged.”
Francesca says, “Flirting gives you more agency over human connection. If you're single, it helps you to connect and fall in love. If you're partnered, it helps you to reignite or maintain the spark of chemistry that brought you together in the first place. In other words, flirting is a multi-purpose, customizable superpower.”
She describes two key elements of successful flirting. The first is presence. “Presence”, she says, “is about being in the moment with another person without being distracted”. The second is enthusiasm, “By being enthusiastic you have the ability to leave other people feeling good for having interacted with you. Your genuine smile can make someone's day.”
Francesca goes on to describe three simple flirting styles. The first is attentiveness or curiosity. She says, it is “inviting connection by asking questions that inspire interesting conversations… paying attention to the stories that [people] share… It's perfect for any occasion, from a first date to being an enviably thoughtful spouse”. The second flirting style is compliments, Francesca says, “Increase the effectiveness of your compliments by making them specific and sincere.” The last flirting style she mentions is playfulness, which she describes briefly.
Finally, Francesca says, “Attentiveness, compliments, playfulness, there's nothing complicated about these actions, yet they have the potential to spark and sustain connection over time. That's a true superpower we can all tap into.”
George texts Zahra afterwards, “Very interesting, thanks for sharing. Did you notice how much she was flirting with the audience while she spoke?”
Zahra replies, “Definitely. Coincidentally I’ve just been reading an article about Andy Burnham fluttering his eyelashes, everyone seems to be flirting these days!”
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER:
Do you know people who makes others feel ‘seen, special and acknowledged’? What do they do to make people feel like this?
Imagine that someone you did not know approached you at an event with curiosity, compliments and playfulness. How would you feel?
Has this ever happened to you? How did you feel?
Is this sort of behaviour common or rare? Why or why not?
How do you feel about complimenting others, or receiving compliments yourself?
What compliments have had the biggest impact in your life? Why?
Francesca doesn’t spend a lot of time explaining what she means by playfulness as a flirting style? What do you think she might mean? What has playfulness to do with flirting?
Many successful people use flirtatious behaviours in their professional lives to their advantage, pop stars strut on stage, models pout, actors smile, tell funny stories and run their hands through their hair, even politicians have been known to flutter their eyelashes. What do the following people do whilst speaking/performing publicly/professionally that could be classed as flirtatious… [leave out any you don’t know]
Hugh Grant
Nigella Lawson
Ellen DeGeneres
Ryan Gosling
Mick Jagger
Emily Blunt
Barak Obama
Andy Burnham
Rishi Sunak
Princess Diana
Taylor Swift
Do you think their ability to harness their flirting superpowers might have something to do with their relative success or failure? Why or why not?
What’s the difference between charisma, charm and flirtatiousness?
There are some notable and very successful politicians that don’t/didn’t seem flirtatious at all such as Kier Starmer, Margaret Thatcher, Nigel Farage and Donald Trump. Do you think they might have benefited from a little more flirtatiousness or should politicians just be serious?
BY: Sharda Dean, THOUGHT EXPERIMENTS IN PUBS Group Member & Host of TEiP HERTFORDSHIRE
Additional Source: Hogi, F. (2025, November). How to unlock your flirting superpowers [TED Talk]. TED Conferences. https://www.ted.com/talks/francesca_hogi_how_to_unlock_your_flirting_superpowers
THE AUTHOR OF TONIGHT’S THOUGHT EXPERIMENTS
Sharda Dean is an economist, wedding celebrant and community builder who lives in Potters Bar in Hertfordshire.
She runs two groups on Meetup: a social group called ‘Meet, Chat, Laugh’ and ‘Thought Experiments in Hertfordshire’, part of the THOUGHT EXPERIMENTS IN PUBS (TEiP) network founded by Bonny Astor.
Sharda has been an active member of the TEiP London community since 2025 and has contributed original thought experiments to London events. In writing thought experiments, Sharda draws inspiration from all the love, loss, joy, heartbreak and the occasional bout of rage she has experienced in her 50+ years. She also reads widely, listens to a lot of Radio 4, has three sons and three degrees in economics.
