TEiP BATTERSEA
REASSURANCE
By Jottie
1 THE EMPLOYEE
Neo was at the gym when he finally recieved the email he was eagerly waiting for. After months of job-hunting he got the big yes for a job that he knew was exactly what he needed at this stage of his life. As an ambitious, entrepreneurial, creative and motivated man in his 20s, Neo landed his first corporate job in sales after a customer service background in retail and hospitality.
He wanted to grow his skills in sales as he knew this translated directly into people skills, which was a vital ingredient for a successful business career. He believed in his potential, and was looking for a mentor or a coach who would believe in him, challenge him, encourage him teach him and would understand him, his fire and ambition.
Having led teams before, Neo knew the power appreciation, encouragement and acknowledgement have on people’s perception of themselves and the work they do, and as a result how they approach the work they do. He was excited to be in a work environment where he’d receive the same level of appreciation and acknowledgment.
For the first couple months of the job he noticed a lot of things he liked and disliked about the job but decided he wouldn’t judge so soon because it takes months to adapt to a new job.
A few months later he realised he got a lot of the things he wanted: the work was extremely fast-paced, technical, mentally stimulating, challenging and came with a lot of pressure.
However it was also repetitive, very stressful, overstimulating and draining. He only recieved training on how to use the software needed to do the work but never any sales training, and was expected to figure things out along the way without any resources, support or clear guidance. The management team were micro-managing, manipulative and were constantly placing more tasks and high-expectations to get everything done on time, perfectly each time.
There was no team building, bonding or socials outside of work — a complete lack of sense of belonging and community. He didn’t feel safe in the environment he worked in or around the people in it, further exaggerating the stressful environment.
He would receive a lousy and customary “well-done” when he made a sale, but would never hear the end of it when him, or his team mates made a mistake. He was ridiculed in front of the entire office when he asked a “stupid question he should already know” after being given the assurance that there’s no such thing as stupid questions and he can ask as many as he wants.
This led him to ask less questions and enter the “freeze” response at the fear of being called out in front of his colleagues, increasing how many mistakes he made overtime.
Eventually, the “well done’s” completely stopped being positive reassurance because he knew that the company didn’t actually care about him. He would spend hours a day feeling anxious or enraged. He dreamed of one day losing his patience, creating a scene in front of the entire office and leaving once and for all as a form of rebellion and defence for his own sanity — but knew this would have a knock on effect on his career so he didn’t.
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER:
1. Is reassurance in a professional setting useful? Why?
2. Is Neo right in wanting reassurance in the form of encouragement and acknowledgement in his work?
3. Does recieving reassurance improve a relationship between the giver and reciever?
4. Can acknowledged and appreciation change how someone shows up in an environment?
5. How much reassurance do you get in your professional life? Do you need it?
6. Does emotional reassurance fit into a professional environment?
This thought experiment is by Jottie, TEiP Community Member. You can connect with Jottie on Instagram :-)
2 THE STRANGER
You’re waiting for a train at a London station on an autumn evening, making your way home after a day in the city. The platform isn’t pouring with people, but it is narrow and busy in a relaxed way. On the bench next to you, you notice someone sits down. White trainers, blue jeans, black puffer, they’re on their phone but you don’t pay much attention.
After some minor delays your train is due in 2 minutes, so you stand up from the bench that was keeping you company, preparing for the ride home. As you stand up you vaguely notice this person on the bench next to you open their bag, take out some headphones and put them on. They’re talking to someone on the phone.
Your train arrives in 1 minute, and then you see a SERVICE ALTERATION sign — then it reads “CANCELLED”. But the sign doesn’t tell you when the next train is. A few moments later you hear an announcement “due to a signalling issue the train has been cancelled, the next train will be arriving in 12 minutes”. Slightly annoyed, thinking about how the dream of your bed is 12 minutes late, you turn around and return to your bench companion.
You can’t make out the words, but notice the tone of the stranger on the bench next to you, and whoever they’re talking to the conversation seems a bit intense. Not angry or loud, but serious and tense. Quite quickly it fades into background noise.
A few minutes later you see a train approaching with its beaming headlights small and distant. The stranger very suddenly grabs their bag and shoots up off their seat. You look at them, they’re stumbling, pacing inbetween the bench and the platform edge very quickly, and anxiously moving their head and arms in a chaotic manner, still talking on the phone.
You start to become worried and vigilant of them, their behaviour puts you slightly on edge.
They then stare at the oncoming train. As it approaches it reads “OUT OF SERVICE” and you notice it’s empty. The train doesn’t stop. The stranger’s behaviour becomes more frantic. They look confused and they have an obviously concerned look on their face. They start saying out loud “my train, my train oh god why didn’t it stop I need to get the train” on repeat, whilst still trying to hold a conversation on the phone.
A woman with a pushchair and a baby are walking in your direction and as they get closer the stranger looks at them and stumbles towards the wall, giving the woman and her pushchair space to pass — then continuing to walk frantically around the platform.
3 minutes to the train — the stranger walks past in front of your bench where you’re seated, which is the closest they’ve gotten to you and you notice an unpleasant smell coming from their direction. They look at you and for a brief moment you lock eyes — their expression is tense, confused and very worried. They look away and continue their anxious behaviour and tense conversation at the same time as vocalising that they’ve missed their train and need to get back.
At this point you connect the dots and realise they need to get somewhere as a matter of unprecedented emergency, unknown to you. They haven’t noticed the cancelled train or heard the announcements. Many people at the platform are vigilantly watching the stranger.
Given that you are in closest proximity to the stranger and have seen the situation unfold in front of you, you are aware the next train is in just 3 minutes, and that the stranger doesn’t know. You feel that if they knew about the cancellation and the next train, they would have much less to worry about but you are conflicted about approaching them.
On one hand they’re dressed normally and seem like a considerate, kind person who is having a rough day. On the other hand the chaotic behaviour, stumbling and a smell you can’t understand.
You debate whether it’s worth carefully approaching the stranger and letting them know the next train is in 3 minutes, and that they didn’t miss the train but in fact it was cancelled and hence didn’t stop. But there would be many eyes on you and it could be risky if the situation escalated, it might become embarassing or potentially even dangerous. So you try to convince yourself that it’s not worth the risk and it’s only three minutes so they will find out soon enough anyway.
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER:
1. Do you choose to inform the stranger, or leave them be and let things naturally unfold?
2. Have you ever found yourself in a highly stressful and/or chaotic way in public? What would you have needed in that moment?
3. How do you react to unusual behaviour in public?
4. Is it brave, risky or standard moral practice to attempt to gently reassure the stranger?
5. Do people fear approaching strangers in public?
This thought experiment is by Jottie, TEiP Community Member. @jottiearoraa :-)
3 THE COUPLE
“11 months strong” says Kai, with a wide smile.
“I can’t believe it’s been 11 months, its crazy how quickly time has gone and next month we’re gonna celebrate an entire year of be in together!” Amal replies with a high-pitched excitement.
Later that evening after they get back to their own houses, Amal and Kai are feeling fulfilled and uplifted with their 11-monthversary date together and both take time to reflect on their evening and their relationship together.
They both think about how lucky it was for them to meet, and how rare it is to meet someone who is so aligned with their approach to life and relationships.
Kai goes through his journal of the last 11 months and sees just how transformative the relationship has been for him, how much he’s learnt about himself and how lucky is having someone like Amal by his side. He notices how the tone of the journal changes from uncertain and defensive at the start of their relationship, to overtime becoming a tone of openess and conviction towards the relationship, and towards Amal.
Amal takes out her phone and goes through her photo album of the past 11 months and thinks about how insane it is that just 1 year ago they didn’t even know each other. She scrolls back all the way to their first date, reminiscing about the different things they’ve done together, the adventures, laughs, the tough times and all the conversations they’ve had about everything and nothing.
When going through his journal Kai comes across a diary entry dating back to when they first started seeing each other. The diary entry was reflecting on a conversation they had, which was the start of a series of conversations where they realised how aligned they are.
He writes “it’s so important for me to be with someone who appreciates my way of expressing affection and understands my viewpoint on what makes a relationship secure. I really believe that trust means not having to constantly prove your love to someone. I was scared to tell her at first but I know I had to be honest, and I was so surprised that she understood what I was saying!”
Kai feels that a relationship should be secure enough that reassurance isn’t always necessary, and notices 11 months later and things feel more secure than ever in his relationship.
Amal comes across the photos her and Kai took on one of their early dates, where they spoke about what security and affection look like in a healthy relationship. She remembers their conversation as vividly as it if it were yesterday:
“I really understand what you mean Kai. I believe that if someone truly loves you they should naturally want to express it, asking for reassurance would make it so much less genuine and meaningful.”
Suddenly after this thought, Amal throws her phone on the bed. The feeling she’s been experiencing returns to her, a feeling of anxiety. Over the last few months she’s had some challenges with her family at home and has been struggling with low self-esteem, uncertainty about the future and she experiences low, anxious moods occasionally. This anxiety has been creeping into other areas of her life like professional life, and even her relationship with Kai — questioning whether he still loves her and is attracted to her.
She has never mentioned this to Kai, and Kai assumes things are as perfect as ever. Until one day when they’re driving back home after a day out, Amal gets off the phone from a stressful conversation with her family. A few moments later she breaks down in tears in front of Kai — having never seen her like this before Kai pulls over, and Amal tells him everything she’s gone through over the past few months.
Kai insists that Amal should have said something and is shocked she kept this from him for so long. Amal wonders why someone who knows them so so well and loves them didn’t notice in the first place that something is off.
Kai clarifies he didn’t have a reason to believe anything was wrong because she never tells her.
Amal says she didn’t want to directly ask for reassurance about his feelings for her because it wouldn’t be a genuine expression of affection.
Kai replies he would only ever tell her the truth about he feels.
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER:
1. Did Kai or Amal do something wrong, or was there an inherent incompatibility based on their belief about what makes a secure relationship?
2. What could they have done differently to avoid this situation, or how can they go forward from here?
3. Does a feeling of safety come from ourselves, or those around us?
4. How often do people give, recieve or ask for reassurance?
5. Does reassruance have a role to play in relationships outside of romantic ones? Why?
6. Would the world be a better, safer place with more, or less reassurance than there is now?
7. Where is the line between healthy and unhealthy reassurance?
8. Does reassurance do more good or more damage in different types of relationships?
This thought experiment is by Jottie, TEiP Community Member. @jottiearoraa :-)
THE AUTHOR OF TONIGHT’S THOUGHT EXPERIMENTS
Jottie is curious about understanding why we as humans do the things we do and think the things we think.
Jottie is a breathwork, meditation and mindfulness practitioner and approaches self-awareness from philosophical and scientific lenses. He is passionate about exploring the complexities of our inner landscape, and believes in the power of awareness, thoughts and perspective.
He loves nature, dancing, driving, photography, being active, loves being involved in social activities and cares about community and connection.
Building presence everyday, training to be a life coach and thinking to meditate with others more!
“Quiet the mind, Open the heart”
— Ram Dass
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